I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
