I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
pop tarts are not kleenex
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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