You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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