You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize