i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
