i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
