I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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