so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
