my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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