we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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