Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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