bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
