I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
