Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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