what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
