So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
