So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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