Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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