He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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