I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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