I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Two words: blizzard sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?