There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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