are you so shy because you have an std?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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