You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
