Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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