I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
