so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
