So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
