can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
