remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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