Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
