i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
