You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
