The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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