My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
