I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
