apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
