don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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