life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize