Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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