I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
