I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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