You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
