I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
