K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
