Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
