Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember sheβs smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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