You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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