Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
