Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
