Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
