Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
