you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now