Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
